The First Hipster

Humanity is always in danger. Judging by Hollywood, New York is destroyed at least once every movie, either by Transformers, Power Rangers or confused superheroes. Does Batman turning against Superman has something to do with the gender fluid trend ? Is he bi ? Bi-super I mean good-evil.

We have suffered many pandemics in recent years, the Asian bird flu, the Kardashian flu, but the OMS has not prevent us for the most lethal of all them: the Hipsters.

So many years watching all these versions of the alien body snatchers movies, and we did not see it coming. Even poor Nicole Kidman tried to warn us in one of them. Although it wasn't the most thrilling of them all. We knew she will survive, with all that botox there is no way the aliens could tell she had emotions.

That got me thinking. Somebody has to do something. If the OMS is already invaded by them, is up to us, the regular people to fight this pandemic.

Following my lethal virus movie education I started to think who was the Patient Zero?

After several hours of research I have come to the conclusion that Fu-Manchu was the first and only Hipster.

It may sound strange but think about it. He had a long disgusting beard (No need to explain the parallelism here).

He dressed with funny vintage clothes. In a era where all gays are out of the closet, the hipster have gone back in, (to search for your vintage clothing, I mean).

Why they love so many vintage things? If they can afford so many men grooming products why not new clothes? Do they know something we dont? When their alien master come to Earth will he distinguish the converted ones by the age of their clothes and length of their beards?

Fu-Manchu was also very particular about his tea order, and if you have been recently to a hipster cafe you will understand the reasoning.  Why there has to be some many options? Why a barista is more highly regarded than a chemical engineer?

Now ordering a coffee is more difficult than following the Ikea instructions to assembly a table.

Dating tip. If he says he is a Barista in his profile, run away. Someone that thinks drawing a heart with milk foam is art obviously need to go to rehab.

Fu-Manchu wondering if the Starbucks barista will remember his soy semi fat pumpkin extra hot non sugar-caramel pink and orange chocolat sprinklers tea order correctly.

But the most dangerous sign of all, is that Fu-Manchu he had an evil plan to conquer the world. Same as the hipsters. Can you name a city without at least one neighborhood already failed to the army of hipsters. Look around in your street. A hipsters cafe, or vegan restaurant may be already opened. And I am sure some of them already live in your own building.

But don't despair. There is hope. I have noticed that hipsters can only survive in wifi environments. A drop on the signal strength can make them crazy. I recently witness how they all left all of the sudden in panic an organic cafe when the owner changed the password without telling them.

PS. I know Fu-Manchu is a fictional character but hey dont hipsters look like a bad dream? Turn off your wifi and live a real life not an online one. That is the best vaccine against stupidity.

Who run the World?...Aunties

Many years before Beyonce and her backup dancers loudly asked themselves this question, we had the answer in Singapore. By the way, I always wonder why she didn't also call for help to the world when searching for a name for her daughter.

Coming back to the existentialist issue, yes we all know the ones who run the world or at least Singapore, are the Aunties. For those who doesn't know, Aunties is the respectful and familiar way people refer to ladies of a certain age in Singapore.

Lets face it, Grannies, are the secret power of the world. Forget about the Bilderberg Club, Masons and any other conspiracy theory Group. Grannies quietly control the world. You may have heard about the influential Italian Mamas ( yes people can be influential without an Instagram account), or the Charismatic Spanish Abuelas, but the Singaporean Aunties are the most powerful of them all.

You can find them everywhere in town, their organization touches all levels of society. But if you want to find their ring leaders you better go to one of the Street Food markets. Controlling the stomach meaning controlling the population. Aunties know this and have made of the Hawker markets their center of operations.

Hawker centers are the epicenter of the life in Singapore. There are the street food markets that flourish in every corner. In a country where food is almost like a religion and there are more restaurants and food stalls per square meters than taverns in Spain.

                                                  Newton Hawker Center in Singapore

You just have to approach at lunch time any Hawker center in the city. You will see legions of people eating the wonders of the regional food, Singaporean, Malay, (or "fusion") and while they all are under the allure and vibrant atmosphere of the place the Aunties make their move. If you get out of spell and take a closer look you will see see nobody dears to contradict them and they held sway over their male counterparts or anyone who enters their territory.

                                                       Traditional Hawker Auntie

When you step in, before you realize they have selected the table for you, poor you a drink and chosen the food you should eat and if you don't pay attention they will sort out your marriage ( with any available daughter or niece ) if you look prosperous enough. If you don't get asked by your civil status in the first 3 questions, you should seriously reconsider you life choices (or your outfits).

Their energy levels and rapid movements are outstanding. Elon Musk is totally mistaken in his pursue for the perfect power source. He should get out of the Hyperloop and come to Singapore to eat a traditional chicken rice. Then he will find the solution to his dreams of a life-lasting battery.

In other part of the world, Grannies also hold power, even superpowers. In my own country, Spain, old ladies believe they have invisibility powers that they use to cut any queue at a shop. And forget about big data. Many decades before Silicon Valley used that term, Spanish Aunties already also had the knowledge of everything happening in their villages.

Lesson learnt, when in Singapore you cannot miss the Hawker food if you want to experience the country, but most important, respect the Aunties wherever you are or Beyonce will send her sister Solange to kick your xxxx....

About the origin of Fake News

Fake news have become the new norm. And not only in social media, even the largest newspapers have succumb to the phenomena, but very few know that this was invented many centuries before Russia elected Trump as US President ( at least according to Hillary).

The "Black Legend" (Leyenda Negra) refers to the unfavorable image of Spain and Spaniards portrayed by some Protestants European nation that were enemies of Spain during the 16th century to weak the Spanish dominance of the World during that period and incite other potential allies to join forces to them, something that today still lasts in many history books, despite its total inaccuracy.

In those time fake news talked about the Spanish Inquisition, the impact of colonization in native american tribes. Now about the latest Kardashian boyfriend. Now I kind of understand the people that don't believe in evolution.

In Spain we have lived with this stigma for many years and resigned to the fact once the fake news is out there denying it will make it even more a trending topic.

Some people even appeal to that factor to justify why Spain has not won the Eurovision Song Contest for the past 40 years. This is a subject that I personally feel strong about it. I have witnessed Spain joining the European Union, winning the Soccer World Cup, the Basketball World Championship, the Davis Cup and even Justin Bieber "performing" in Madrid, but I am yet to see that proud moment in anybody's life when your country lifts the Eurovision Trophy.

We have been close a few times, but many more times we have been far. Far too many. I wont mentioned this year fiasco of a Barcelona singer, which name I don't what to remember as Don Quixote would say. Personally I blame the Catalan insurgents for that.

With all the Latin music topping all the charts why we cannot find a suitable song and interpreter to regain the honor of our country and erase the Black Legend forever?

A 1598 engraving by Theodor de Bry depicting a Spaniard supposedly feeding Indian children to his dogs. De Bry's works are characteristic of the anti-Spanish propaganda that originated as a result of the Eighty Years' War. Source Wikipedia.

I cannot find a suitable answer. My music knowledge is limited. My Mum always had a big disappointment about my lack of music ability, but there is little you can do when you are tone-deaf. I even restrain myself from singing in the shower out my own self-consciousness and embarrassment.

But I have a plan. If we cannot find a good singer in the Spain, lets go to the Philippines.. Many will praise the beauty of the country, still unknown for many but worth a holiday for sure, the rich colonial history and monuments, the gentle and kind character of the population, but to me the most striking fact about the country is the incredible voices that all Filippinos have. It is simply not fair. Is that genetic factor? is the infamous Balut egg (typical fertilized egg very appreciated in the islands) the secret potion for your throat?

There is no corner of the country, bar or even sometimes business dinner were you don't see the unexpected Filipino starting to sing. And as a difference to the Irish or any other drunken pub pop-up singing culture, the Filipinos know how to sing big. Don't be deceived by their gentle demeanor and average size. Their voices are absolutely stunning, as much as the legions of Misses they export to the world (their fascination for Miss contests is worth another post).

So if Spain won its only Miss Universe title in 1974 when the pageant was held in Manila ( was that a tribute to our Colonial links there?) why not Spain can finally win Eurovision with a Filipino undercover?

And and even more fundamental question, now that Australia has joined Eurovision why shouldn't the Philippines do the same, will be good to hear Philippines douze points !

Expedition Unknown

It was not till 1968 were the first confirmed man reached the North Pole. To celebrate the 50th anniversary of such achievement for the Human Race, the Singapore Government is trying to organize an expedition to replicate the feat.

In a country where people are used to an average daily temperature of 32 Celsius and high humidity, ensuring they could survive in a sub-freezing environment could be a challenge. So for the past few years and following their tradition of state planning,  they have been relentless preparing the population for those extreme weather conditions.

Working for a local Singaporean firm I have experience first hand the tough daily training that locals endure, similar to the army boot camps. Temperatures at offices, public buses or shopping malls are kept at similar conditions to those of the North Pole at all times. It is not unusual to see colleagues with 2 or 3 jumpers braving the office weather.

                                            Staff piling up to 3 layers of winter clothing in the tropical office

So far, there have been no reports of casualties, but there are some "over the coffee rumors" that the last two people to leave the company, did not resign but perished after working extra hours to meet a deadline. Irony at first degree.

Some people also say that by using this tactic, the Government is helping to keep the staff young and fresh and therefore prevent the aging of the working population in a country where labor is scarce. It may seem odd, but so are the plot of all the movies nowadays ( Superman vs Batman, comes to mind) and I have seen people not only paying to watch it but asking for a second one.

Working on a sub-freeze environment is not the only peculiar thing you can expect when joining a Singaporean office.

I remember a story in Tintin’s book the Blue Lotus ( clarification note: he is not a Marvel Superhero Character and yes Belgium produces more interesting things than waffles and Spanish fugitives), where he jokes with his Chinese friend Tang about the westerners stereotypes of Chinese people in the old times. 

One of remarks is about the alleged obsession of Chinese women with small feet and the pain they will endure to achieve them.

Well, after almost 6 years living in Singapore I must agree that is myth ( purist will correct me in Singapore is not China, but hey America is not just the US and nobody seem to care to correct that in the media )

But don’t get me wrong, that particular fact maybe a myth but there is something going on with footwear among Singaporeans, and I don’t refer to the lovely Asian tradition of remove your shoes before entering a house as a symbol of respect, tradition that I second in my own home despite the several murder attempts by my cleaner with her diabolic floor waxing technique that make my floors more dangerous than ice.

I refer to that tradition of coming to work in heels and then change them at the office for slippers. Yes, you hear it right, is not like in any other part of the world were women wear the comfy shoes while commuting and put the painful but stylish footwear at work. 

                                                                   Official Office Footwear

At Singapore offices the world is upside-down, with women changing their show -off ones for the “better not to show anyone”-ones.

Someone will say its because they feel at home at the office. Judging by the number of hours they spend in the office it may be. 

But to me, it raises other queries, are shoes going to be ban like tobacco in the offices and only allowed to be worn two blocks away from the entrance? Or is this a new another plan from the Government to train their citizens for an unknown expedition? Ill keep watching for answers ( right after my new defrost cycle ).

Bring Your Own Wine

India is such a diverse country with a rich culture that changes from North to South. If yesterday, I had the pleasure to enjoy the intriguing towel meeting culture of the State of Bihar, today I have discovered the Bring Your Own tradition of Delhi meetings.

By Bring your Own, I am not referring to that odd Australian tradition of Bring Your Own Wine to restaurants, which basically consist on being rude to restaurant owner by telling them: your wine list sucks. 

By the way, I am surprised that Australians haven’t adopted also the “bring your own expresso” thing at restaurants, considering how snobby Aussies are with coffee in recent years. I guess adopting coffee as their drink has a lot do do with their rebellious attitude towards the former British rule. 

Indians on the contrary, have been, as expected, more true to their gentle nature and stick to tea . And since they are stuck with it, they have made another lovely Indian meeting tradition out of it. 

This is a very motherly one, meaning that it doesn’t matter what you order you will get whatever they want. Today I order black coffee no sugar,  and got a lovely sugary tea instead. Always Tea, God save the Queen. Must be for my own good as my Mum always says.

But lets go back to the subject of these post. In the surprising "Bring Your Own" Meetings, you are supposed to bring your own chair. 

It is a kind of a twisted version of the musical chairs kids game. When you arrive to the meeting room, only the table is there, so you need to rush to steal whatever can be used as a chair in the building. The last person who cant find an available chair looses the game and therefore the contract. 

You may wonder, what does the people in the office you have stolen your chair from,  do meanwhile. That, Nobody has been able to  clarify to me yet. If there are constant meetings it will be hard for them to have a productive day. 

Please don’t get me wrong, it is actually fun that they are so thoughtful to prepare those games to help you pass the time, while you are waiting for the meeting to start. Another popular game is hide and seek, where your host magically disappears just when you arrive, and people tells you that he is in another meeting to trick you and make it more fun, but you actually know there is no other meetings as people are seating in their own chairs.

A business tip, please allow sufficient time between meetings to play this games. Today, hide and seek lasted for 45 mins

Meeting time shifting is also very popular game in my own county, Spain. But again Spanish people have made an art on confusing people’s timetables. 

Some say bullfighting is torture but making our visitors starve and get jet lagged by arranging dinner after 10 pm doesn’t fall behind. I still remember my years in Madrid when desperate tourists used to approach me begging me to recommended a restaurant opened at 8 pm. They were hilarious. At 8 pm Spanish people are still in the office entertaining the 4 pm meeting guest while waiting for your manager that is still in the after lunch drinks. The algorithm says that the meeting delay is directly proportional to the number of bottles of wine the Manager has had for lunch.

So lessons learnt if you go for a meeting in India bring your coffee ( and a foldable chair just in case) and if you summoned for an afternoon meeting in Spain do like the Aussies, and bring my own wine. At least you will be in the same good mood as the Manager when he decides to show up.